It Shows

 I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in a kindergarten classroom recently and was reminded of how honest they are about what goes on in their life.  I also was reminded that they usually do not have the communication skills to express their feelings well, nor the ability to make many changes in their lives. 

When they get tired, they either fall asleep in their chair or do whatever it takes to stay awake and alert; often this involves making noise or moving in ways that the teacher does not condone. When they are scared or worried, you might see tears, but you are just as likely to see anger or silliness.

I think as parents or other involved adults, we often are so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget that our children have feelings about what they see and perceive. Most teachers can tell when a child is exposed to some kind of change at home. It might be a sick relative, a missing pet, a change in the family routine, or something else that they have no control over. Often the adults have little or no control either. But some things the adults do have control over. No child should have to listen to the adults around him/her argue or fight. They should not have to listen to one adult put down another adult.  They definitely should not have to be exposed to immoral behavior whether it is drug use or theft, or violence towards a person or place. 

Yes, your child's teacher knows when there is something that your child is struggling with, whether it is a change in your work hours, a fight with an ex-spouse, or any of a myriad of other things. But you, as a parent, can do much more to help your child verbalize and deal with his/her emotions. Sometimes you can fix the problem, sometimes, not, but you are the one most likely to be able to pinpoint what it is that is hurting your child's heart.

So, when you are at your wit's end, even if it is not intuitive, give your child an extra hug, spend a couple of minutes talking to him/her, remember that they are feeling most of the same stresses you are and they cannot control anything about it.

Change

Change is hard; at least that is what they say. I have been going through some changes in my life lately and I don't know if "hard" is the right word. "Unsettling" or "confusing" might be better, but I am not sure.
Back in January, my husband talked me into retiring from a non-profit job that I was getting very stressed about and start taking social security. I took on a part-time job to avoid getting into our retirement money too quickly. Then, like everyone else, we had to deal with Covid-19, lockdowns, travel restrictions, and fewer job options. Around April someone asked me how my retirement was going. I answered that it felt like I was on lockdown, almost like a prison.  I finally started to realize that I was having trouble adjusting to not only the change brought about by Covid-19 but also and even more so the change of being retired. That was hard to wrap my head around; who wouldn't want to have more free time and less responsibility?
As I was reflecting and adjusting I realized that the struggle I was having with change was something I had gone through many times as a parent and a family member.
Everyone expects you to be overwhelmed with the change of getting married and the change of having your first child. When a family member passes away, everyone supports you through the change. But there are plenty of life events that can throw you for a loop. But, you often do not expect it and those around you can't see your struggle. Things like a child starting kindergarten or moving out of the house permits you to have tears, but you are expected to move on pretty quickly.
Children growing up, starting school, graduating, moving out, marrying are all obvious changes and your friends and family realize the change and are supportive Death of loved ones, career changes and relocating are also changes that garner support.
But even with support from friends and family, you need to shift your thinking as life changes.
One of the life changes that I have struggled with and that I see others struggle with is acknowledging your child is an adult. I remember sitting in my daughter's apartment at a family event and looking at the kitchen table where four adults who looked and sounded like my children and children in law were acting like adults and having a discussion about something very mature, like cleaning methods and supplies. That was a reality check, but I still had a learning curve on how to relate to them as adult children instead of dependent children. I am getting better, but I still need to work on suggesting instead of telling; giving advice without either of us feeling obliged. As I have learned to step back and treat my children the same way I would any other young adult, our relationship has grown and improved. My children are all out of the house, gainfully employed, and don't need someone telling them what to do. I have had to learn to be the friend that I could not be when they were young and needed much more direction. I am also beginning to see the shift to them helping us. I am learning to not feel bad about asking them to bring a dish for dinner or come over to fix something.

I have always loved my children, now I love them in a different way than I did when they were little. It is a big change, but not a bad one.

“In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time.”― Leonardo da Vinci

Forgiveness

There is much written in scripture about forgiving those who wronged you. But scripture does not give you a step by step instruction, nor does it go into detail about the complex emotions involved.
A couple of months ago I was falsely accused of being abusive to a client. Somehow through poor communication, lack of checking on documentation, and who know what else I was invited to resign. I was furious and had no idea who to be mad at. I presumed a supervisor had taken advantage of the situation to hurt me, but couldn't figure out who. Fast forward five days to when I finally got to talk to the CEO of the organization who apologized and assured me that was not her intention that I leave on poor terms or that I leave at all. She requested that I rescind my resignation, which I did since I had no other employment lined up.
At this point I should be able to forgive and move on, right? No, human nature keeps it from being that easy.
At this point I cried, a lot. I calmed down enough to go back to the office and waved down my supervisor. She was a little leery of coming into my room considering how angry I had been acting the previous few days. I broke into tears again and told her I was sorry that I didn't trust her. We talked for at least a half hour and things were good between us. That was easy. The hard part was yet to come.
I knew I had to reconcile with the two workers who ran that "termination meeting."; one of whom I have known for over 30 years. I had heard that she was very upset about how events had spun out of control. I sent her a text, " I forgive you, lets talk." It took her a week to respond and we finally sat down at a coffee shop and talked. I wanted so much to tell her about how hurt I was that she could believe that accusation, how I hadn't slept since that day, about my physical symptoms of the stress I had gone through, but I consciously chose not to. I let her do most of the talking, Her apology did not admit any fault on her part, which bothered me, but we were talking again and things were not quite back to normal, but close enough to function.
Reconciling with the other worker was a little problematic. She was the HR person and was in a different building. I have little or no opportunity to socialize with her but then I have to deal with her because she runs the HR department. It took a while but I decided that I need to treat her like nothing happened. I had to call her about my time card and was civil and polite. That might have surprised her. Last week she was in our building for something and I sat down a cross from her at lunch. She was uncomfortable at first, but got pulled into the conversation and seemed to relax. We passed pleasantries back and forth the rest of the afternoon and she went out of her way to wish me a pleasant weekend when she left. I think she feels forgiven.
This past month I have learned that forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. Feelings don't necessarily go away, but forgiving is still part of the healing process. I don't think I could have continued at this job unless I chose to forgive those who hurt me. I still carry the hurt; but it is hurt, not anger. I have learned that you can't force an apology, especially one that you will be satisfied with.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Yes, forgiveness is freeing. We all get hurt by other humans. We need to forgive whether or not the offender apologizes or even shows any remorse. We need to learn to let go of the anger, anger does not heal hurt. The hurt will heal faster without that layer of anger and hate on top of it.

Lent is Over, Now What?

“The Strife is o'er, the battle done.” 

is the first line in an Easter hymn. After seven weeks of making sacrifices for Lent, sometimes I feel the battle is done at Easter. It is really easy to quickly get back to where I was before Lent as far as resuming what I had given up and stopping the extra things I had done. It would be so easy to spend the entire Octave of Easter sitting in a comfortable chair eating and drinking what I had given up for Lent and playing mindless computer games.

But I started thinking, how does doing something special for two months and then stopping help me become the best person I can be? The short answer is that it probably doesn't. I needed to evaluate what I was doing and the motivation behind it. I used to give up desserts or chocolate every Lent and often managed to drop a few pounds. I did not give up sweets or really any food this year and I also didn't lose any of that winter weight I was planning to lose. But maybe that is a good thing. Making a sacrifice for the Lord is good, getting my weight down is also good.; but can I really do both at the same time? If I give up candy or other food item with the intention of making myself look or feel more attractive, it is not a sacrificial action. I am just fooling myself that I am doing it for God.

I did give up some leisure things I take pleasure in. My friends with whom I used to play on line games might have noticed. The benefit to me was more free time to pray, to think and reflect and to make better use of the time which is a gift of God. Now that it is the Easter season I need to continue to keep a balance in my life. So far I have managed to not start any new games and I have been pretty good about doing something more useful when I have a few minutes to kill. So now instead of conquering the next level I am conquering the pile of laundry in the basement. I may slip back before next Lent because I am human, but hopefully I will have made some permanent gains.

What about the extra things I have done: increased prayer time, adoration, weekday Masses? It is so temping to slow down and relax now that Lent is over. It is hard, with our hectic lives, to continue daily Mass or adoration or an extra prayer time if we set Easter as our goal line. The ideal would be that I have come to love my time in prayer so much that I am not tempted to cut back after Easter. The reality is that, as a typical human, I love my prayer time, but I also love sleeping in and a myriad of other things that soak up the time I was going to use for prayer like a sponge. I am beginning to realize that I need to keep sacrificing, at least in some ways, if I really want to grow more in the direction of holiness.

Maybe my thoughts on Lent need to change. Like an athlete who practices a specific move over and over again in anticipation of being able to execute during the big game, I need to use the time of preparation, (Lent) to build the skills I need to conquer sin and death. Like that clutch hit or last minute free throw, I am a whole lot more likely to attain my goal, (heaven) if I do the preparation.

Christ opened that gates of heaven on Easter, we all are called to try to improve ourselves during Lent and beyond so we can enter those gates when the time comes.

Phone Conversations With Dad

My Mom has been struggling with Alzheimer's. It is a horrible disease that slowly robs the victim. But I want to talk about my Dad who has been having to deal with his wife of over 60 years slowly disappear and his world turn upside down.

My Dad has always been kind of quiet, especially at home. He seldom told you what he was thinking and would never disagree with Mom in front of us. Most of our conversations were about sports or about family members or maybe his giving us some advice. He was strict, but seldom emotional.

When we grew up and moved out of the house we were all expected to call once a week and talk to Mom. Dad would get on the other line and listen in, but he seldom said anything. Mom would pick up the phone, she would call Dad, then she would check to make sure he picked up and then we would talk. Often Dad would not say a word until it was time to say goodbye. I guess I presumed he was listening, never really thought about it, but he always knew what was going on with me.

When Mom was diagnosed several years ago, it was hard for both of them. Dad had been taking care or the financial needs and Mom would take care of the physical needs but that was going to change. Dad cut back on his work schedule and his social life and also allowed us kids to help him for the first time. He gradually stepped in and took some of Mom's load and paid for help in the areas he couldn't handle. About a year ago Mom got to the point that she could not live in the house and moved to the skilled care center. That is the point that I was not calling home to talk to Mom, but to Dad.

In the past year I have gotten to know my Dad in a different way. He couldn't just sit and listen on the phone. At first the conversation was mostly about Mom, but gradually we have learned. He tells me more about how he is doing and what he is doing. He is gradually learning to ask the questions Mom used to and I am learning that he really was interested in what I was saying all along. We talk about the weather, and the family and about sports, but sometimes we start to get on a more intimate level. He will talk about his reminisces and his memories; that conversation was always be filtered through Mom in the past.

Last week he told me about reading through the letters he and Mom wrote back and forth while he was in the service. She told him about her new niece, my cousin. Dad reflected how much has changed. That baby is now a grandmother and the young lovers who were fascinated by that baby were married, raised six children of their own and have been blessed by 20 grandchildren and two great grandchildren. This is a part of my Dad I had never met before.

It is hard to watch my Mom deteriorate and my Dad suffer through it with her. But I am very blessed that I am getting to know a part of my Dad that he used to only share with Mom. I know that as both of them age, our relationships will evolve and there will be some sad times; but I am learning to embrace the positive pieces, the intimate times.  

Writing with God's Little Pencil

Okay, I have a blog, I have a theme for my blog and I have a few ideas. But you might wonder why I started this? This really isn't my idea.

Now don't get me wrong, I like having people read what I write, I really like when they tell me that I write well and that they enjoy what I wrote. But God told me that this in not what the Catholic Pickle Jar is about. Let me explain.

I do enjoy putting my thoughts on paper, I think I write better than I speak. But I had gotten away from writing anything to get published the past few years. I did some professional writing in an educational journal about 15 years ago, but since then the most creative thing I wrote was our annual Christmas newsletter. However, I occasionally toyed with the idea to write for profit.

Recently I started seeing posts about www.Catholic365.com looking for volunteers to write essays. These posts kind of ate at my heart and I finally sat down to the keyboard and wrote an essay to contribute. The next day I checked and there were over 1000 shares, I don't have that many friends; I am pretty sure I don't even know 1000 people that I could convince to open up a web page, much less to share. Of course my ego goes into high gear and I start thinking about being a rich, well known author and living off the income all through retirement. 

Then God laughed at me. Second article was not nearly as popular and I get a case of writer's block. I start second guessing myself and backing down from my grandiose plans.

Then Saturday comes and I go to the Catholic Women for Christ Conference. I can't tell you what the speakers said, I think the theme was something about setting the world on fire, but I know what I heard. Between the lines God was telling me that I do need to write about being Catholic; I didn't need to worry about numbers of hits or appealing to a broad audience; he would take care of making sure the person who needed to see my message would. By the lunch break I was in a cold sweat and my heart was pounding in my chest. I wasn't actually crying, but felt like I was about to start. I told the ladies I came with to not wait for me for lunch and headed for the Adoration Chapel. I sat down and asked God what did He want of me. It only took me about ten minutes and I had mentally committed to writing from a Catholic viewpoint, not plan on being a financial success, know that even if my audience is small, God will help the people that need to see my page find it. (If this whole scene sounds weird to you, imagine how I was feeling.)

I went home and by the next day had www.theCatholicpicklejar.blogspot.com set up. I still am not quite sure how this all came together. If anything on here ever inspires you, please share with others. I promised God that I was going to do my best work and not just throw just anything up there to increase traffic or boost my ego.

I was thinking while I was driving to work today that God is asking a lot of me, I go to church, I raised my kids pretty well, I try to be a good wife, I even work at a Catholic homeless shelter. How big a piece of me does the Lord want? But I know the answer to that; He, who gave me all, wants all of me. I guess I will just have to see where this ride takes me.

“I am a little pencil in God's hands. He does the thinking. He does the writing. He does everything and sometimes it is really hard because it is a broken pencil and He has to sharpen it a little more.”

Blessed Mother Theresa of Calcutta

P.S. to the Catholics who keep track of feast days, note the date. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners

Catholic Food for Thought

Originally Published on Catholic365.com

A while back I was talking to someone at work and she told me that she knew I could cook because I was from a good Catholic family. It confused me because even though I do cook and I am from a Catholic family; I really couldn't see a relationship. I mean, I do know some very good Catholics that are mediocre cooks, and I know cooks who are not Catholic, even some who are not even religious. So what is the relationship, if there is one? I don't think that years of bringing food to pot lucks and helping at church dinners is what she was talking about.

There is one meal everyone in our “good Catholic” family attend at least weekly whether we are together or apart and that is the Eucharistic Celebration. Part of being Catholic is eating the body and blood of Jesus at Mass. As Catholics, food and meals are woven into our worship. Not only with the Last Supper but throughout the Old and New Testament breaking bread together is filled with meaning. Abraham eating with angel messengers, Joseph inviting his brothers to the banquet table, the miracle of the loaves and fishes; all these events revolve around food and hospitality. Doesn't it just make sense that food and eating together is a major part of our Catholic culture.

Our religion along with our ethnic cultures intertwine with lots of food symbolism; fish and fasts during Lent, special food on the table for Easter, Christmas and many saint days and other holy days. Most of these times include dining with family and friends.

Knowing that our meals reflect so much of our faith does seem to affect our attitude towards food. We make it a priority to eat together. We start our meal with grace. We often invite others to join us in our meal. When we place so much emphasis on meals it is only natural that we put a goodly effort into the quality of the food.

So it does fall together: As Catholics we worship and celebrate using food. As a family we use food to celebrate and to worship. As Catholic families, is it not normal and good to socialize, to grow to celebrate around a good meal?