Change

Change is hard; at least that is what they say. I have been going through some changes in my life lately and I don't know if "hard" is the right word. "Unsettling" or "confusing" might be better, but I am not sure.
Back in January, my husband talked me into retiring from a non-profit job that I was getting very stressed about and start taking social security. I took on a part-time job to avoid getting into our retirement money too quickly. Then, like everyone else, we had to deal with Covid-19, lockdowns, travel restrictions, and fewer job options. Around April someone asked me how my retirement was going. I answered that it felt like I was on lockdown, almost like a prison.  I finally started to realize that I was having trouble adjusting to not only the change brought about by Covid-19 but also and even more so the change of being retired. That was hard to wrap my head around; who wouldn't want to have more free time and less responsibility?
As I was reflecting and adjusting I realized that the struggle I was having with change was something I had gone through many times as a parent and a family member.
Everyone expects you to be overwhelmed with the change of getting married and the change of having your first child. When a family member passes away, everyone supports you through the change. But there are plenty of life events that can throw you for a loop. But, you often do not expect it and those around you can't see your struggle. Things like a child starting kindergarten or moving out of the house permits you to have tears, but you are expected to move on pretty quickly.
Children growing up, starting school, graduating, moving out, marrying are all obvious changes and your friends and family realize the change and are supportive Death of loved ones, career changes and relocating are also changes that garner support.
But even with support from friends and family, you need to shift your thinking as life changes.
One of the life changes that I have struggled with and that I see others struggle with is acknowledging your child is an adult. I remember sitting in my daughter's apartment at a family event and looking at the kitchen table where four adults who looked and sounded like my children and children in law were acting like adults and having a discussion about something very mature, like cleaning methods and supplies. That was a reality check, but I still had a learning curve on how to relate to them as adult children instead of dependent children. I am getting better, but I still need to work on suggesting instead of telling; giving advice without either of us feeling obliged. As I have learned to step back and treat my children the same way I would any other young adult, our relationship has grown and improved. My children are all out of the house, gainfully employed, and don't need someone telling them what to do. I have had to learn to be the friend that I could not be when they were young and needed much more direction. I am also beginning to see the shift to them helping us. I am learning to not feel bad about asking them to bring a dish for dinner or come over to fix something.

I have always loved my children, now I love them in a different way than I did when they were little. It is a big change, but not a bad one.

“In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time.”― Leonardo da Vinci