Lori's Tomatoes

 There is an older gentleman who goes to my church and can be seen most weekends in summer handing out homegrown vegetables to whoever is interested. He offers tomatoes, squash, and peppers to anyone he sees, no matter how well he knows them. Inevitably someone makes a comment about how he must be such a dedicated gardener and how much he must enjoy growing and eating from his substantial garden. He answers that he doesn't eat tomatoes or squash or peppers, he just plants them for his wife. This sounds like a sweet thing for him to do and she must be very grateful. What makes it even more sweet and nice is that she passed away more than a dozen years ago. Jake has been planting a garden for his dear deceased Lori for over a decade even though he doesn't eat anything that comes out of it.  This amazes me that he would show his love for so many years with such dedication. 

When she was alive, they were a very typical older couple; they had raised a larger family, and like most families, there had been some rough spots and stresses. They weren't the type to make a big public display of affection. But Jake still goes out every spring and plants a vegetable garden for Lori. One time I told him that I think of Lori whenever I eat one of the tomatoes and he muttered a thank you but I could see the depths of the thanks in his eyes.

I have not had to deal with the loss of a spouse or a child, but I hope if or when I do I can honor that person with the elegance Jake does.

Guest Paper

 When I was born, we lived on the East side of Manhatten in the top-floor apartment of a brownstone. The landlords were Mr. and Mrs. Hyman, an older couple with who my newlywed parents had a good relationship. We eventually moved out and had a house in the suburbs and I had several siblings. I remember one Sunday we packed up the car and went down to Manhatten to visit the Hymens. As a youngster of about five, it was pretty uneventful. I knew the routine for visiting adults: don't touch anything without permission, don't argue with your sister, be polite, and so on. At some point, I had to go to the bathroom and after getting permission, I went in. It was a typical old people's bathroom with a cover on the toilet and just cluttered enough that you knew it was used regularly. I noticed that on top of the toilet there was a roll of toilet paper that was noticeable thin and scratchy. Scratchier than I had ever seen in my short life. On the toilet paper holder was a nice soft roll of two-ply quality paper. For some reason that really set my mind spinning. Why would anyone buy such scratchy paper? why not use the nice stuff all the time? will they use up that roll of good paper after we leave or put it away someplace until the next time they have guests? Do they actually like scratchy paper? I certainly was too shy to ask Mrs. Hymen directly and I never did talk to my Mom and Dad about it.

I started thinking about this incident when I dug out a roll of not-so-nice toilet paper that I bought in the Spring of 2020 when there were not many choices. As I wish that I had not bought such a large package of this thin, not-soft paper I remember the Hymens.  They were definitely of an age to have been affected by World War II, I do not know if they were in the US or Europe at that time and I also do not know if they had friends or relatives who were in battle or in concentration camps. Were they in the habit of being frugal, even with toilet paper, or did they feel bad about small everyday luxuries? Did they switch the rolls to honor their guests, or did they think that these young people could not handle austerity?

At this late date, I cannot ask anyone for more details, but I can ponder. How attached am I to small, and not-so-small creature comforts? Am I grateful for all these first-world comforts? Do I ever think about those who live much simpler lives, either by choice or necessity?  

So I guess I have learned to not put the single-ply toilet paper in the guest bathroom. But also, put out the better, matching dishes, open the new box of crackers, use that better bottle of wine, celebrate that I have friends and family that come over to spend time with me. Also, remember those who don't have the option of better toilet paper.

Socially Distanced Cookies

 This year my daughter-in-law, my daughter, and I decided to try a drop-off cookie and pastry exchange. Normally we would be bringing such treats to multiple gatherings on both sides of the family, but with the Covid restrictions, we had to figure out a way to get our baking fix without eating six dozen of the same cookie ourselves. 

So I got to work and made my personal favorites, chocolate biscotti, and chocolate chip cookies. I decided I had the time and energy to make one more type and asked my husband what he wanted. His reply was he loves iced sugar cutouts, like my sister makes, with lots of details and really pretty. My sister usually bakes about 20 dozen cutouts each year and spends several days painting them and using them as gifts for business associates. and church friends. She is much more artistically talented than I and I usually only bake cutouts when I can't get any of hers.

So I pulled out my favorite recipe and set to work. The dough came together without mishap and I put it in the fridge to firm up. I looked over my collection of cookie cutters and pulled out about eight, reminding myself that I need to not do more than I have the time or talent for. The icing looked and smelled good and I was ready to get to work. Then I realized that if you only decorate cookies every few years, you don't necessarily have all the tools you need. A toothpick and a spoon worked well enough to cover the large areas so I was a little emboldened. That is when things started to unravel. I could not get the colors to blend the way I wanted so each Santa had a dusty rose hat. My hand was not steady enough to get the eyes straight and then I started rushing and realized I was going to have a lot more to clean up because I was rushing. After an hour or so I decided that a single color on each cookie and some sprinkles would do. They taste good and my husband is satisfied, even though they do not look like bakery quality.

I started thinking about how this baking experience relates to Advent and how I should be preparing myself for Jesus coming. It feels like I was fighting most of my bad habits during this project, rushing, trying to do too much, not taking the time to find the right tools, giving up, and taking shortcuts. I will probably get more compliments on the cookies that I bake more often, just like I can do most things better when I practice them. Like the cookies, I am pretty good as is. But this time of year we as Catholics and Christians have the opportunity, even the duty, to try to become more prepared for the coming of our Lord, not only at Christmas but when we meet Him face to face at the end of our life. 

Make sure to find a way to enjoy the Christmas season, even if it means some major changes in tradition. We can all learn to enjoy simple things and appreciate all the wonders of the season.

Forgiveness

There is much written in scripture about forgiving those who wronged you. But scripture does not give you a step by step instruction, nor does it go into detail about the complex emotions involved.
A couple of months ago I was falsely accused of being abusive to a client. Somehow through poor communication, lack of checking on documentation, and who know what else I was invited to resign. I was furious and had no idea who to be mad at. I presumed a supervisor had taken advantage of the situation to hurt me, but couldn't figure out who. Fast forward five days to when I finally got to talk to the CEO of the organization who apologized and assured me that was not her intention that I leave on poor terms or that I leave at all. She requested that I rescind my resignation, which I did since I had no other employment lined up.
At this point I should be able to forgive and move on, right? No, human nature keeps it from being that easy.
At this point I cried, a lot. I calmed down enough to go back to the office and waved down my supervisor. She was a little leery of coming into my room considering how angry I had been acting the previous few days. I broke into tears again and told her I was sorry that I didn't trust her. We talked for at least a half hour and things were good between us. That was easy. The hard part was yet to come.
I knew I had to reconcile with the two workers who ran that "termination meeting."; one of whom I have known for over 30 years. I had heard that she was very upset about how events had spun out of control. I sent her a text, " I forgive you, lets talk." It took her a week to respond and we finally sat down at a coffee shop and talked. I wanted so much to tell her about how hurt I was that she could believe that accusation, how I hadn't slept since that day, about my physical symptoms of the stress I had gone through, but I consciously chose not to. I let her do most of the talking, Her apology did not admit any fault on her part, which bothered me, but we were talking again and things were not quite back to normal, but close enough to function.
Reconciling with the other worker was a little problematic. She was the HR person and was in a different building. I have little or no opportunity to socialize with her but then I have to deal with her because she runs the HR department. It took a while but I decided that I need to treat her like nothing happened. I had to call her about my time card and was civil and polite. That might have surprised her. Last week she was in our building for something and I sat down a cross from her at lunch. She was uncomfortable at first, but got pulled into the conversation and seemed to relax. We passed pleasantries back and forth the rest of the afternoon and she went out of her way to wish me a pleasant weekend when she left. I think she feels forgiven.
This past month I have learned that forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. Feelings don't necessarily go away, but forgiving is still part of the healing process. I don't think I could have continued at this job unless I chose to forgive those who hurt me. I still carry the hurt; but it is hurt, not anger. I have learned that you can't force an apology, especially one that you will be satisfied with.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Yes, forgiveness is freeing. We all get hurt by other humans. We need to forgive whether or not the offender apologizes or even shows any remorse. We need to learn to let go of the anger, anger does not heal hurt. The hurt will heal faster without that layer of anger and hate on top of it.

Lent is Over, Now What?

“The Strife is o'er, the battle done.” 

is the first line in an Easter hymn. After seven weeks of making sacrifices for Lent, sometimes I feel the battle is done at Easter. It is really easy to quickly get back to where I was before Lent as far as resuming what I had given up and stopping the extra things I had done. It would be so easy to spend the entire Octave of Easter sitting in a comfortable chair eating and drinking what I had given up for Lent and playing mindless computer games.

But I started thinking, how does doing something special for two months and then stopping help me become the best person I can be? The short answer is that it probably doesn't. I needed to evaluate what I was doing and the motivation behind it. I used to give up desserts or chocolate every Lent and often managed to drop a few pounds. I did not give up sweets or really any food this year and I also didn't lose any of that winter weight I was planning to lose. But maybe that is a good thing. Making a sacrifice for the Lord is good, getting my weight down is also good.; but can I really do both at the same time? If I give up candy or other food item with the intention of making myself look or feel more attractive, it is not a sacrificial action. I am just fooling myself that I am doing it for God.

I did give up some leisure things I take pleasure in. My friends with whom I used to play on line games might have noticed. The benefit to me was more free time to pray, to think and reflect and to make better use of the time which is a gift of God. Now that it is the Easter season I need to continue to keep a balance in my life. So far I have managed to not start any new games and I have been pretty good about doing something more useful when I have a few minutes to kill. So now instead of conquering the next level I am conquering the pile of laundry in the basement. I may slip back before next Lent because I am human, but hopefully I will have made some permanent gains.

What about the extra things I have done: increased prayer time, adoration, weekday Masses? It is so temping to slow down and relax now that Lent is over. It is hard, with our hectic lives, to continue daily Mass or adoration or an extra prayer time if we set Easter as our goal line. The ideal would be that I have come to love my time in prayer so much that I am not tempted to cut back after Easter. The reality is that, as a typical human, I love my prayer time, but I also love sleeping in and a myriad of other things that soak up the time I was going to use for prayer like a sponge. I am beginning to realize that I need to keep sacrificing, at least in some ways, if I really want to grow more in the direction of holiness.

Maybe my thoughts on Lent need to change. Like an athlete who practices a specific move over and over again in anticipation of being able to execute during the big game, I need to use the time of preparation, (Lent) to build the skills I need to conquer sin and death. Like that clutch hit or last minute free throw, I am a whole lot more likely to attain my goal, (heaven) if I do the preparation.

Christ opened that gates of heaven on Easter, we all are called to try to improve ourselves during Lent and beyond so we can enter those gates when the time comes.