In the Moment

 Not too long ago I had the pleasure of watching my one-year-old grandson at my house. He was fun to watch playing with his toys, checking to see if he could outsmart the baby-proof cabinet, and running down the hall to visit Grandpa. Then, after about forty-five minutes exhaustion hit and he was in tears. The only thing that calmed him down was snuggling up in my lap. Not only did he have to sit there, but he had to have my complete attention. If I picked up my phone or a book he started whining again. I realized that he wasn't going to be happy unless and until I was totally present to him. So we sat together and in a few minutes, his head dropped to his chest. I moved him to my shoulder and went back to my multitasking, but realized how important those moments with him were.

Afterward, I started thinking how that time of being totally present is something I do not strive for nearly enough; on the phone with my kids, listening to my husband talk about his interests that I do not necessarily share, in prayer. If I could focus and concentrate like that during mass, what would that do to my spiritual life? If I spent even a few minutes concentrating on my husband, how much could that improve my marriage?

Multitasking by itself is not a bad thing. If our minds did not drift to what we need to get done, many things would never get done. But maybe trying to be more present with our family and friends and more focused during prayer are good goals. We are not wired to laser focus on each task we do, but how wonderful it is when we have the opportunity to be totally present for a moment or two.

Forgiveness

There is much written in scripture about forgiving those who wronged you. But scripture does not give you a step by step instruction, nor does it go into detail about the complex emotions involved.
A couple of months ago I was falsely accused of being abusive to a client. Somehow through poor communication, lack of checking on documentation, and who know what else I was invited to resign. I was furious and had no idea who to be mad at. I presumed a supervisor had taken advantage of the situation to hurt me, but couldn't figure out who. Fast forward five days to when I finally got to talk to the CEO of the organization who apologized and assured me that was not her intention that I leave on poor terms or that I leave at all. She requested that I rescind my resignation, which I did since I had no other employment lined up.
At this point I should be able to forgive and move on, right? No, human nature keeps it from being that easy.
At this point I cried, a lot. I calmed down enough to go back to the office and waved down my supervisor. She was a little leery of coming into my room considering how angry I had been acting the previous few days. I broke into tears again and told her I was sorry that I didn't trust her. We talked for at least a half hour and things were good between us. That was easy. The hard part was yet to come.
I knew I had to reconcile with the two workers who ran that "termination meeting."; one of whom I have known for over 30 years. I had heard that she was very upset about how events had spun out of control. I sent her a text, " I forgive you, lets talk." It took her a week to respond and we finally sat down at a coffee shop and talked. I wanted so much to tell her about how hurt I was that she could believe that accusation, how I hadn't slept since that day, about my physical symptoms of the stress I had gone through, but I consciously chose not to. I let her do most of the talking, Her apology did not admit any fault on her part, which bothered me, but we were talking again and things were not quite back to normal, but close enough to function.
Reconciling with the other worker was a little problematic. She was the HR person and was in a different building. I have little or no opportunity to socialize with her but then I have to deal with her because she runs the HR department. It took a while but I decided that I need to treat her like nothing happened. I had to call her about my time card and was civil and polite. That might have surprised her. Last week she was in our building for something and I sat down a cross from her at lunch. She was uncomfortable at first, but got pulled into the conversation and seemed to relax. We passed pleasantries back and forth the rest of the afternoon and she went out of her way to wish me a pleasant weekend when she left. I think she feels forgiven.
This past month I have learned that forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. Feelings don't necessarily go away, but forgiving is still part of the healing process. I don't think I could have continued at this job unless I chose to forgive those who hurt me. I still carry the hurt; but it is hurt, not anger. I have learned that you can't force an apology, especially one that you will be satisfied with.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Yes, forgiveness is freeing. We all get hurt by other humans. We need to forgive whether or not the offender apologizes or even shows any remorse. We need to learn to let go of the anger, anger does not heal hurt. The hurt will heal faster without that layer of anger and hate on top of it.

Lent is Over, Now What?

“The Strife is o'er, the battle done.” 

is the first line in an Easter hymn. After seven weeks of making sacrifices for Lent, sometimes I feel the battle is done at Easter. It is really easy to quickly get back to where I was before Lent as far as resuming what I had given up and stopping the extra things I had done. It would be so easy to spend the entire Octave of Easter sitting in a comfortable chair eating and drinking what I had given up for Lent and playing mindless computer games.

But I started thinking, how does doing something special for two months and then stopping help me become the best person I can be? The short answer is that it probably doesn't. I needed to evaluate what I was doing and the motivation behind it. I used to give up desserts or chocolate every Lent and often managed to drop a few pounds. I did not give up sweets or really any food this year and I also didn't lose any of that winter weight I was planning to lose. But maybe that is a good thing. Making a sacrifice for the Lord is good, getting my weight down is also good.; but can I really do both at the same time? If I give up candy or other food item with the intention of making myself look or feel more attractive, it is not a sacrificial action. I am just fooling myself that I am doing it for God.

I did give up some leisure things I take pleasure in. My friends with whom I used to play on line games might have noticed. The benefit to me was more free time to pray, to think and reflect and to make better use of the time which is a gift of God. Now that it is the Easter season I need to continue to keep a balance in my life. So far I have managed to not start any new games and I have been pretty good about doing something more useful when I have a few minutes to kill. So now instead of conquering the next level I am conquering the pile of laundry in the basement. I may slip back before next Lent because I am human, but hopefully I will have made some permanent gains.

What about the extra things I have done: increased prayer time, adoration, weekday Masses? It is so temping to slow down and relax now that Lent is over. It is hard, with our hectic lives, to continue daily Mass or adoration or an extra prayer time if we set Easter as our goal line. The ideal would be that I have come to love my time in prayer so much that I am not tempted to cut back after Easter. The reality is that, as a typical human, I love my prayer time, but I also love sleeping in and a myriad of other things that soak up the time I was going to use for prayer like a sponge. I am beginning to realize that I need to keep sacrificing, at least in some ways, if I really want to grow more in the direction of holiness.

Maybe my thoughts on Lent need to change. Like an athlete who practices a specific move over and over again in anticipation of being able to execute during the big game, I need to use the time of preparation, (Lent) to build the skills I need to conquer sin and death. Like that clutch hit or last minute free throw, I am a whole lot more likely to attain my goal, (heaven) if I do the preparation.

Christ opened that gates of heaven on Easter, we all are called to try to improve ourselves during Lent and beyond so we can enter those gates when the time comes.