A Walk or a Hike?

 I just wanted to let you know that my husband and I completed a 3.25-mile hike on the Peewah Trail at Trail of Tears State Park. My husband said that it would be impressive and I could tell everyone about my accomplishment. If you are not duly impressed, I better let you know the rest of the story.

Ron and I enjoy taking walks, usually in the neighborhood, sometimes when we are out of town. We recently took a couple of days off for our anniversary and drove to Cape Girardeau, MO. We knew that there were a couple of state parks with some hiking trails in the area and we thought that walking a mile or so along one of these trails would be a good way to enjoy an hour or two together. We went to the Visitor's Center at the park and got a map of the trails. I should have worried when I asked her how hard the trail was and she replied that we should be able to do it since we were wearing hiking shoes. As she described that there were some hills and tree roots I should have been listening better. She gave us a trail map that Ron stuck in his pocket.

So we drove to the trailhead and grabbed the 1/2 filled water bottle that was in the car. (We had left the cooler at the hotel.) Despite the weather report calling for rain, we started out with the sun shining and the temperatures in the mid-seventies. We went up and down the first couple of hills and they were a little steep. Ron said it was about the same as the hill leading to our house, I reminded him that the road to our house is paved and isn't 3.25 miles. He also on every uphill shouted out that downhill can be harder than uphill. I responded only when you have sore knees, and that is not a problem for either of us. 

The views of the Mississippi River were fantastic and the autumn leaves were stunning as we ambled along. The temperature was creeping up and the hills were starting to feel steeper. Ron pulled out the map and we realized we had not even gotten even halfway along the loop. I finally looked at the map and realized that those topographic lines that show you how steep the hills are were very close together and there was a whole lot of them. I was kind of watching the clock and figured that walking on pavement we should do about three miles an hour, so a casual walk on a path should be maybe twice that? About this point, the walk became a hike and was less enjoyable as I started thinking about how tired and out of breath I was becoming. I was also getting jealous of my husband, who is a good five years older than me, moving at a pretty quick clip and wearing a dress shirt and khakis. Every time I stopped to catch my breath, he would be concerned but confused. I started having "what if" thoughts about possible illness or accident way out in the middle of nowhere and no way to get rescued. It didn't help any when Ron decided it would be a good idea to spread out about ten feet so if one of us falls, we don't knock down the other one. I definitely was not enjoying this chore of finishing the hike at this point.

We kept tramping along, got off the trail by about 100 feet once, and had to stop to figure out where the trail went three or four times. I did trip and fall one time and threatened Ron with his life when he started to pull out his phone to take a picture. Eventually, after almost two hours we figured out where we were on the map and I felt better knowing that we were heading back toward the trailhead. About this time I also noticed that the breeze was getting cold and damp and there was a faint sound of thunder in the distance. Thinking about the impending rainstorm just made us move a little faster.

We got back to our car after two hours and fifty minutes. I looked at the sign and besides listing all the hazards of the trail, it gave a suggested time to plan for the trip. 3.5 hours. I just looked at the sign, then at Ron, and then back at the sign. We had just basically sprinted around that trail! I had not enjoyed the hike because I thought that I was lazy and out of shape when we could have stopped many more times and still been typical hikers. Ron is almost a foot taller than me and his legs are much longer so he was taking fewer steps. Also, my ego wouldn't let me admit that he is just better than me at long walks, probably genetically. 

Yes, we will go hiking again. No, I will not feel guilty about setting a slower pace. I will definitely plan better, bringing enough water and looking at the map more carefully. I will try to be less competitive and just enjoy the moment.

It Shows

 I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in a kindergarten classroom recently and was reminded of how honest they are about what goes on in their life.  I also was reminded that they usually do not have the communication skills to express their feelings well, nor the ability to make many changes in their lives. 

When they get tired, they either fall asleep in their chair or do whatever it takes to stay awake and alert; often this involves making noise or moving in ways that the teacher does not condone. When they are scared or worried, you might see tears, but you are just as likely to see anger or silliness.

I think as parents or other involved adults, we often are so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget that our children have feelings about what they see and perceive. Most teachers can tell when a child is exposed to some kind of change at home. It might be a sick relative, a missing pet, a change in the family routine, or something else that they have no control over. Often the adults have little or no control either. But some things the adults do have control over. No child should have to listen to the adults around him/her argue or fight. They should not have to listen to one adult put down another adult.  They definitely should not have to be exposed to immoral behavior whether it is drug use or theft, or violence towards a person or place. 

Yes, your child's teacher knows when there is something that your child is struggling with, whether it is a change in your work hours, a fight with an ex-spouse, or any of a myriad of other things. But you, as a parent, can do much more to help your child verbalize and deal with his/her emotions. Sometimes you can fix the problem, sometimes, not, but you are the one most likely to be able to pinpoint what it is that is hurting your child's heart.

So, when you are at your wit's end, even if it is not intuitive, give your child an extra hug, spend a couple of minutes talking to him/her, remember that they are feeling most of the same stresses you are and they cannot control anything about it.

Change

Change is hard; at least that is what they say. I have been going through some changes in my life lately and I don't know if "hard" is the right word. "Unsettling" or "confusing" might be better, but I am not sure.
Back in January, my husband talked me into retiring from a non-profit job that I was getting very stressed about and start taking social security. I took on a part-time job to avoid getting into our retirement money too quickly. Then, like everyone else, we had to deal with Covid-19, lockdowns, travel restrictions, and fewer job options. Around April someone asked me how my retirement was going. I answered that it felt like I was on lockdown, almost like a prison.  I finally started to realize that I was having trouble adjusting to not only the change brought about by Covid-19 but also and even more so the change of being retired. That was hard to wrap my head around; who wouldn't want to have more free time and less responsibility?
As I was reflecting and adjusting I realized that the struggle I was having with change was something I had gone through many times as a parent and a family member.
Everyone expects you to be overwhelmed with the change of getting married and the change of having your first child. When a family member passes away, everyone supports you through the change. But there are plenty of life events that can throw you for a loop. But, you often do not expect it and those around you can't see your struggle. Things like a child starting kindergarten or moving out of the house permits you to have tears, but you are expected to move on pretty quickly.
Children growing up, starting school, graduating, moving out, marrying are all obvious changes and your friends and family realize the change and are supportive Death of loved ones, career changes and relocating are also changes that garner support.
But even with support from friends and family, you need to shift your thinking as life changes.
One of the life changes that I have struggled with and that I see others struggle with is acknowledging your child is an adult. I remember sitting in my daughter's apartment at a family event and looking at the kitchen table where four adults who looked and sounded like my children and children in law were acting like adults and having a discussion about something very mature, like cleaning methods and supplies. That was a reality check, but I still had a learning curve on how to relate to them as adult children instead of dependent children. I am getting better, but I still need to work on suggesting instead of telling; giving advice without either of us feeling obliged. As I have learned to step back and treat my children the same way I would any other young adult, our relationship has grown and improved. My children are all out of the house, gainfully employed, and don't need someone telling them what to do. I have had to learn to be the friend that I could not be when they were young and needed much more direction. I am also beginning to see the shift to them helping us. I am learning to not feel bad about asking them to bring a dish for dinner or come over to fix something.

I have always loved my children, now I love them in a different way than I did when they were little. It is a big change, but not a bad one.

“In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time.”― Leonardo da Vinci